Scorpio Blog (10/19/11): I’m Ready…Fix Me…I Surrender.

Scorpio, Here comes the Sun!  Are you ready to bask in the warmth?  I’m ready. 

This is our time to shine!  This week marks the final curtain call...wrapping up the sun in Libra. And this means making final decisions about the weeds in our Garden.

Yesterday, I relapsed.  I found myself in the middle of an emotional HEART-car crash. Once again, down on my knees. My thoughts had strayed from love- I found myself trying to control the situation, grabbing, clutching, maniplating, having expectations, doubting myself, beating myself up with my thoughts.

The fuel tank in my HEART-car was on empty, I was driving without the fuel of... FAITH.

I felt the pressure building, and I was actively pulling out all the tools in my “spiritually enlightened” tool belt.  It was the pressure at work and then the resistant, passive aggressive pressure from what was my “better half” (funny how that’s what they call our partners in marriage).

Finally, I gave up trying to “pull it off” and just let my boat rock with the waves. I let myself stay on my knees, and waited for the heart to provide the answer. Once again, I was reminded to surrender to God Universe… and allow for the Power bigger than myself to continue creating my new world, my new life.

As my husband and I go through this divorce, I find myself at peace with the process in general.  I have my moments every now and then, when fragments appear from my shadow, revealing pain and what has yet to be healed.  It’s a process, but as i hold on tight in this journey (or let go, rather)... every day, ever week, every month I witness progress, expansion and growth.

Earlier this month was the first anniversary of my marriage- post split. It was a difficult time for me, a menagerie of emotions.  I decided to stay quiet and purge the emotions I was feeling and give myself permission to mourn.  For me, the wedding anniversary stirred up the emotions of the loss of what could have been.

I found myself looking back at that young woman. She was ready to "begin" "that part" of her life- and start a family. I had found someone who matched this vision, these pictures. And now I am able to recognize that it was my mind that walked down the isle...not my heart. My mind had a vision and a dream and the ideas of what could be.




I spent so many years trying to “FIX” the relationship.  I just wanted so much to make it right.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

Looking back…I pushed, I pulled, I scooted, I shoved, I patted.   I tried….problem was, I was unconscious. I didn’t fully realize what I was doing.  Perhaps if I did, I would have stopped and left it alone.  Hands up.  I surrender.  

If only I had of been conscious…”what if”.

As I have mentioned in other blogs, my time had come to AWAKEN. God Universe called in the angels to take me home. Tears really do stream down my face, as I attempt to recall the divine order of this process.  I woke up, and for that I am eternally grateful.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

What I know is that none of this was a waste.  That’s a choice we make, to accept with open arms every lesson life presents us.  Every pain, every joy, every betrayal, every disappointment, every trauma is a lesson and opportunity for growth and expansion.

Every choice, every chance, every change is part of the divine order in our chain of events.  I was ready to awaken, and the momentum in my collective consciousness grew.  With every teaching, with every development spiritually, it got easier.  My world on the internal and external began to flow, with more ease that I had ever experienced.

I was talking to someone last night and was trying to explain what it meant for me to awaken and become conscious.  And I told her that one can only know the true meaning of the word when they experience this change in their state of consciousness, on their own.

Once you get a taste of being awake, the shift has begun.   I’m not convinced you can reverse the shift once it begins.  You can try to ignore it, push it away, hide from it…but the truth is, the process has begun. The angels took my hands and walked me straight into the hands of God; I was now in- love, in the hands of my provider, God.

God was waiting for me to come home, return to me and the love from within.  And now, finally… I was ready, too.  Me and the powerful light of God within- WE were ready to “FIX” me.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

What I’m sharing with you is perhaps one of the most sacred and special experiences that I have so far in my book of life.  For me, my awakening began when I was no longer afraid to see my marriage for what it was.  It was instantaneous.   I had never experienced such clarity.  All of a sudden, I had the strength to accept my marriage for what it was, to stop pretending and to be okay with letting my husband go. 

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Precisely at the very same time of realizing this “loss”, the awakening process had begun in me, and was accelerated and intensified by the spiritual teachings. I began to develop the deep awareness and understanding of what it meant to love myself.

I realized what had been my problem all along… I was afraid.

I was in the darkness, paralyzed.  I wasn’t being held back on the exterior, it was the inside.  I had the lifestyle, the family, the career, the education; the picture “looked good”.   My oppression was internal.   I was bound up in my emotional chains.

Perhaps disgusted would be too harsh, but I was dissatisfied with ME.   I had no explanation to be feeling this way... Why am I not content?   Why do I feel asleep at the wheel?  Why do I feel so polarized?  I mistakenly believed that my fears were unique and that others didn’t have as much fear as I did…which only intensified my fear.

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

...I SURRENDERED.  The change I was looking for, what I needed to make the SHIFT… was inside my head!!!

The change in how I perceived the experiences in life… that shift in perception when you come to realize from a deep space within… that depending on love meant depending on God Universe… well, that was the miracle;

Surrendering to LOVE, to GOD, was my passport to allowing this divine intervention to completely transform my life.  Whether we love or close our hearts to love, this is a mental choice we make every moment of every day.

I could make the choice to base my emotional stability on materials that could weather the storms of life or I could build my house with materials that would crumble and blow away every time I experienced inclement weather…

I could build my house on sand or on a rock.  That was my choice.  Built on sand, it can be torn down with a mere rain shower... Built on stone, I’m stronger to survive the storm. My choice: to depend on God, the love (already) inside of me.

The foundation of my stability was something stronger and more permanent than the external conditions. A harsh word from another, an unloving attitude from my spouse… in order to make it though this difficult time, I was going to have to find strength and release my vulnerabilities to life’s dramas.

So, I had to surrender... Surrender to the love within; Surrender to my heart; Surrender to God; Surrender to the Universe.   Ahh, The duality…to let go, is to gain strength.  By surrendering, I had to let go and just simply, love.

Miracles can be viewed as events of God or supernatural acts. Some say a miracle is a phenomenon not fully explainable by known laws of nature, or an act by some supernatural entity or unknown, outside force.  Some scientist-theologians suggest that miracles are not violations of the laws of nature but "exploration of a new regime of physical experience".  And others explain that miracles are in fact natural events that have been set up by God at the beginning of time.

Well, What I know is that when we surrender, we affirm that LOVE is the PRIORITY in EVERY situation.  And in doing so, we CO-CREATE with the DIVINE, the ALL THAT IS.  We consciously decide to let go, to let love and let God.  We are willing to let a power greater than ourselves to direct our life.

Love is energy.  You can feel it when it’s in your life, and you can feel it when it’s not in your life.  It’s the energy of love that determines our path to peace.

The only thing that’s real is love… and all else is merely an illusion.  Love IS eternal; it can’t be destroyed because it’s real… Love is... God Universe.  And if we live according to that principle alone, we WILL find peace.

Everything we are afraid of… they are illusions.  They are concocted with the imagination of the ego. Feelings of insecurity, paranoia, anxiousness, doubt, worthiness…they are based on fear.  If we can ignite the flame of love and desire for who we are on the inside and really come to terms with loving ourselves for who we are… these fears disappear.  Maybe they come back now and then, but the fear is temporary because you are AWARE and CONSCIOUS now and so… fear is no longer our ultimate reality.

The truth of who we really are is our LOVE for our true real authentic self.   The shift from fear to love is what moves mountain… that’s what miracles are made of…LOVE!!!

Can you feel all the Love?  It wasn’t made for you…it IS you!!!

So, as you make final decisions about the weeds in your Garden, I leave you with these questions:

• Do you surrender to that which is bigger than yourself? 
• Do you allow your life to be directed by the same energy force that makes flowers grow? 
• Do you have faith to trust in the energetic force that moves the Universe? 
• Are you willing to sit back, to rest, to relax and allow this force to work on your behalf?

Scorpio (and every sign on the chart), look for the weeds where you are frantically trying to control what it is not any of our business to control and search for the weeds where you are fixing that which is not our business to fix.  

Use your time wisely… surrender… let go, and let God.

With Love,
Mara:)